In my ridiculous quest to drop nearly 45 pounds before June 1st, I had to immerse myself in healthy eating, especially at lunch. This meant no more Big Macs, chicken wings, or Skylight Inn BBQ. Instead, nearly every day for the past month, my lunch routine has involved schlepping to the nearest grocery store salad bar.
It’s a fairly monotonous routine, devoid of any joy or excitement. A death march, around a smorgasbord of cold, fibrous vegetables, meant to suck the living happiness out of chubby people worldwide.
You’ll never see a happy person staring at a salad bar. Getting skinny again isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You may think we’re losing weight, but we’re not…we’re losing happiness. It’s seeping out of us with each floret of broccoli and every shred of carrot. Occasionally I’ll stumble upon a salad bar with real bacon instead of those gaseous fake “bacon bits” and I’ll do a little victory celebration, right there in the store. Woooo. There’s my excitement. That’s it.
So without wings, burgers and BBQ, I’m forced to look for joy in other people’s uncomfortable situations. I’m not a sadist, but as you probably know by now, I am a purveyor of interesting people and their idiosyncrasies. I’m always watching. Listening. Absorbing. Eavesdropping. Ok, so I’m a creeper. What evs…still a notch above sadist. I’m just trying to get some of my happiness back, people. I’ve already lost 22 pounds of it.
Fortunately, today’s foray into the grocery store added a smile even as the pounds were melting away. I was standing behind a dapper fella in his 50’s sporting an 80’s era Nike windsuit. He had a basket full of Lean Cuisines and half gallon of Breyers Oreo Blast Ice Cream. I wanted to ask, but I had to let sleeping dogs lie. I was clutching a salad with 3 pounds of real bacon bits piled on top, so who am I to judge?
Anywho, the cashier scanned his first item and looked up in gazed astonishment…
“Oh my, sir, sir…I think you’ve got some ink or dirt or something on your forehead,” she said. “I’m going to get you a paper towel.”
I couldn’t see the fella’s face, but we’ve all been there…a smidge of grease from the car, an errant dry erase marker, a dab of Oreo Blast Ice Cream
… it’s nice for someone to point it out rather than let you roam around all day looking like greasy old Snyder from ‘One Day At A Time.’
The guy let loose a hardy little chuckle.
“Haha, yeah…um. It’s ash…you know, Ash Wednesday?”
The cashier squinted and feigned a winced look, “Yes sir, today is definately Wednesday…but I think you got, like, magic marker or something all over your forehead…”
Perhaps figuring out that his cashier wasn’t minoring in theological studies at Bob Jones, he tried to explain.
“No, no. See. It’s a Christian symbol…Ash Wednesday. For Lent, you know?”
No. She didn’t.
“Wait,” says the cashier. “You gotta put marker on your head? For church?”
The wind suit fella began to get a little anxious. Obviously fearing an apologetics discussion that would render his Breyers into whole milk he finally said “No…maybe you can just Google it.”
I could tell Cashier lady wanted to get to the bottom of this, but she thankfully just shook her head and rang up the ice cream.
“Well here’s a paper towel,” she said. “I mean, ‘cause, like, it’s really ALL OVER your head.”
The man smiled, declined the paper towel, bid her a good afternoon, and bee-lined it for the doors. My gut hurt from suppressing laughter. At least I got my ab workout.
She looked at me as I placed my salad on the belt…staring a hole through my massive forehead to see if I, too, was a member of the Church of the Sacred Smudges.
“I ain’t never heard of a church that draws on your head every Wednesday…have you?” she whispered.
I don’t like being put on the spot…I’m built for more for the periphery. But I know a little about the subject and consider myself somewhat versed.
I was prepared to delve into Constantine’s pagan/Christian unification and Pope Gregory’s edicts concerning lent, but divine intervention struck and I could only stammer out “Uhhhh…”
Didn’t matter. She dropped the mic before I could say anything anyway…
“Bet he’s one of them Buddhists.”
~dso
😂😂😂