Thanks to my daughter’s fascination with all things shiny, we found ourselves completely out of aluminum foil. Rather than run the gamut of our local grocery, I elected to grab a roll from one of the umpteen “dollar so-in-so” stores on my way home.
As I’m patiently waiting to pay for my one item, I couldn’t help but notice the striking mountain of a woman in front of me who was plopping down a variety of fascinating accoutrements. In addition to the 4 bags of cheese puffs, 2 rolls of pink duct tape, 1 package of female undergarments, and 3 Monster energy drinks…there was a request, nay DEMAND, for a pack of menthol smokes…and “not the soft pack like yo’ a$$ gave me yesterday!” she yelled.
It was love at first sight.
As a voracious student of people and their behavior, I was immediately transfixed. This was my white whale (no pun intended…ok, maybe a little). No, seriously. This lady was the real deal. A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. A turducken of both class and sophistication, if you will.
Little did I know the subject of my pending thesis on evolution (we’ll call her ‘Ms. Thang‘) was just beginning her ascent on my list of “Interesting People I’ve Met At Dollar General.”
Then that mouth opened…and she immediately claimed the top rung.
Cashier: “That’ll be $26.76, ma’am.”
Ms. Thang: “Hold up. Y’all sent me a coupon in the mail yesterday for $5.”
Cashier: “Okaaaaaaay…..”
Ms. Thang: “You gone take that off?”
Cashier: “Um…do you have the coupon?”
Ms. Thang: “Huh? You mean, like with me?”
Cashier: “Yes ma’am. You have to have the coupon.”
Ms. Thang: “It’s at the house. You know. You sent it.”
Cashier: “Um, I didn’t actually send it, but, uh, I’ve got to have it…like…the actual coupon. Like here…in the store, you know?”
At this point, Ms. Thang looks toward me…I assume for guidance. Clearly, since I’m obviously out of place and sporting a dress shirt, slacks, and tasselled loafers, she feels that I’m the only person presently qualified to readily explain this conundrum to her in a calm and tactful manner. After many years in retail, I’m always willing to help explain the intricacies of high-level P&L statements and industry jargon to the common lay-folk.
Of course, I assumed completely wrong.
“Now ain’t that some s*!#” she says in my general direction before I could offer my assistance. “This girl here sends me a f#&@!%g coupon and don’t even want to take it.” (Turning back to the cashier) “You the Dollar General, ain’t you? You sent it, you have to take it. You the Dollar General! You the Dollar General, ain’t you? Tell me you ain’t the Dollar General!”
Cashier: “Uh, no. I’m Amanda.”
(Editor’s Note
: I completely lost all composure at this point and inadvertently uttered a pitifully disguised laugh that resembled a loud obnoxious ‘verp.’ Credit to ‘Amanda’ … not her real name … she deadpanned like Rita Rudner reincarnated.)
The poorly disguised chortles from the line behind me undoubtedly put Ms. Thang over the edge. She was boiling. Her eyes bulged like Al Green as she cracked her neck side to side. With a loud grunt began the arduous task of hiking up her jorts with both hands (and any true Southerner knows it’s about to be ‘on’ when the jorts get hiked up).
Being a fond proponent of self-preservation, and frankly just wanting to get the hell out of there with enough foil to encase a couple of turkey roll-ups in the morning, I felt the sudden urge to quell what was quickly escalating into a “415” 
(that’s police radio code for “public disturbance.” Don’t ask me how I know this. It’s not relevant to the situation at hand).
So against my better judgement, I meekly interjected:
“Excuse me ma’am, but, um perhaps, POSSIBLY, she needs to SCAN the coupon…you know…to prove to her boss that you had one? Or maybe they need it to get credit from a vendor or something? I’m SURE this young lady is only doing her job, and will be more than happy to hold your items here until you come back with the coupon…”
(Humble readers, at this juncture of the interaction, the entire store delved into a long, albeit uncomfortable, silence of nearly 20 seconds)
Hearkening upon all those ‘Power of Positivity’ videos I was force-fed in Comm 101 during my third junior year of college, I slowly began to nod my
head…calmly, quietly, invitingly. Soon the cashier began nodding…then the others in line softly muttered and began to nod, smiling in agreement. It was a beautiful thing. People coming together for the common good.
I can’t lie…I was feeling pretty darn proud of myself. Building bridges. Moving mountains (again, no pun intended… ok again, maybe a little). As I’m piecing together the Nobel Prize speech in my head, Ms. Thang cocks hers to the side and feigns a slight grin. Her muscles relax and I can sense the hamsters are starting to gain speed. By golly, I think she gets it…finally. Gonna get my ‘luminum foil.
“What the f&#% are you talking about?? That’s about the dumbest $&*# I ever heard. All y’all mofo’s full of $*#&. Y’all just dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.” She throws the bags on the floor, flips me the bird, mutters something about somebody’s mama, and pushes through the doors like a feverish polar bear into a Baskin Robbins.
Regardless, a crisis was averted.
I’m chalking this up as a win. #NobelPrize #Merica
~ dso